Escape to Paradise: Stunning Noord-Holland Apartment Awaits in Bergen!
The Grand Extravaganza Resort: A Review That's Probably Too Honest (and Exhausting)
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because you're about to embark on a rollercoaster ride through my experience at the Grand Extravaganza Resort. Buckle up, because honestly, this place is a lot. I mean, a lot of things to unpack, like a suitcase overflowing with socks and questionable souvenirs. Let's just say I'm writing this review fueled by lukewarm coffee and the lingering scent of… well, a lot of floral air freshener.
(SEO Meta-Tag Mashup Alert: Grand Extravaganza Resort Review, Luxury Hotel, Accessible Hotel, Spa, Swimming Pool, Restaurant, Wi-Fi, Family Friendly, COVID-19 Safety, Wheelchair Accessible, Fitness Center, Bar, 24-Hour Room Service)
First Impressions & Getting There (and the Great Wi-Fi Fiasco)
The airport transfer was smooth – blessedly so, after the flight. They have a taxi service, and I opted (smartly) for the pre-booked airport transfer. The car park situation, well, it's there. Car park [free of charge], and car park [on-site]. I think I saw a car power charging station, but honestly, I was too busy trying to remember where I'd parked in the chaos. Valet parking is also an option, but I'm generally cheap.
Upon arrival, the lobby is… opulent. Think gold leaf, chandeliers the size of small cars, and more staff than I've ever seen in one place outside of a Michael Bay movie set. Check-in was, thankfully, contactless (thank goodness for that). See, I'm a bit of a germaphobe, especially these days. Though, I did kind of miss the human interaction.
But then, the Wi-Fi. Ah, the Wi-Fi. Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! they advertised. And, in theory, they delivered. But, it kept… disappearing. It was more like a mischievous ghost, flickering in and out of existence, haunting my laptop. And the Internet [LAN]? I'm pretty tech-savvy, but even I gave up after an hour of fiddling with cables. It's a recurring theme… expect some severe emotional reactions.
Accessibility: A Mixed Bag, Honestly
This is where things get… complicated. The Grand Extravaganza claims to be accessible. And, on the surface, it seems to be! Wheelchair accessible areas were generally plentiful, with ramps and elevators aplenty. They have Facilities for disabled guests, which sounds great, but the devil is in the details, isn't it? I didn't personally need them, but from what I observed, it felt like they were more of an afterthought than a genuine consideration. Some paths were a little narrow, and a couple of the automatic doors seemed to malfunction at the worst possible moments. Still, the effort was there, and that's something.
On-Site Restaurants & Lounges: Food, Glorious Food (and Some Minor Disappointments)
The restaurants are… numerous. A la carte in restaurant, Asian cuisine in restaurant, International cuisine in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant… the options are genuinely overwhelming. And the Poolside bar? Tempting. The Bar itself, they have. The Coffee shop. Sigh. Here’s where I found myself spending a lot of time, navigating the complex landscape of options. I tried the Asian restaurant one night (delicious!), and the Western breakfast (a bit bland). The Breakfast [buffet] was enormous, a sea of pastries and questionable sausages. The Happy hour at the bar was a highlight, though.
Dining, Drinking, Snacking, and Unspoken Expectations
Breakfast takeaway service is available. Room service [24-hour] is a lifesaver at 3 am after a particularly disastrous night (more on that later.) I found a Bottle of water conveniently located. Coffee/tea in restaurant, of course. They have Desserts in restaurant! A Salad in restaurant, also. Soup in restaurant, too! Seriously, this resort has anything you would expect.
Now, the Safe dining setup was definitely appreciated. They had Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, and Individually-wrapped food options. The staff were also super careful, though I saw a rogue sneeze, but then, I am very sensitive to that. They actually had Sanitized kitchen and tableware items. It filled me with a certain hope that I wouldn't get sick.
Things to Do & Ways to Relax: Spa-tastic (Mostly)
This is where the Grand Extravaganza truly shines. The Swimming pool is gorgeous. The Pool with view is even better. There's a Fitness center (I didn’t go, but it looked impressive). And the Spa? Oh, the spa.
They have a Steamroom, a Sauna, and a Foot bath. The Massage was divine. Seriously, melt-in-your-chair levels of relaxation. I even indulged in a Body scrub and a Body wrap. It was the closest I've come to feeling like royalty in years. The whole Spa/Sauna experience was great, just great.
The biggest let down? I wanted a swim in the pool, but it was just… crowded. And loud. And people kept splashing. I, maybe, would appreciate my own private resort. You know?
Cleanliness & Safety: Sanitized, Perhaps Over-Sanitized
The COVID precautions were, shall we say, thorough. The Anti-viral cleaning products were probably strong enough to strip paint. The Rooms sanitized between stays, and the Daily disinfection in common areas, made me feel like I was living in a hazmat suit. They had Hand sanitizer everywhere, and staff were Staff trained in safety protocol. There was even a Sterilizing equipment somewhere. The Rooms sanitization opt-out available, but no one should consider that, not even for one second.
They also have a Doctor/nurse on call, a First aid kit, and a Hygiene certification, all useful. The Cashless payment service meant handling fewer things. The Shared stationery removed, which is a good thing. Individually-wrapped food options. The Safe dining setup. It’s all good.
Oh, and here’s a funny story. They had Smoke alarms. And one day, the fire alarm went off (false alarm, thankfully). Everyone panicked, but the thing is, I was mid-spa. Completely naked. And I had to run, half-wrapped in a towel, to safety. It was highly embarrassing .
The Room Itself: A Luxurious Labyrinth
My room! Oh, the room. It was HUGE. I mean, the size of a small apartment. Non-smoking, thank goodness. Because of all the Smoke detectors. Air conditioning, of course, because it felt like a desert outside. Refrigerator, Mini bar… the works. They had a Bathing area, A private bathroom. I also had a Desk, a Laptop workspace, Mirror, good lighting.
Here's the downside, though. The Toiletries felt cheap. The Complimentary tea was weak. The Blackout curtains were great, but the Alarm clock was impossible to figure out. I mean, this place has an Additional toilet, but it still couldn’t make the free Wi-Fi work consistently.
I had access to the following in my room: Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens. So much!
For the Kids:
They claim to have Family/child friendly facilities, and I saw a couple of kids running around. They had Babysitting service, which is great. I saw some Kids facilities, but kids are not my forte.
Services and Conveniences: A Mix of Fabulous and Forgettable
The doorman, Doorman, was very professional. The Concierge was helpful (when he could get me connected to the internet). They also have Laundry service, and Dry cleaning. Luggage storage, which I used (good), and Elevator. The Invoice provided.
The Cash withdrawal worked fine. I was able to use a Convenience store to purchase items. The Currency exchange was also available.
On the whole, the services were good, but the execution was inconsistent.
Getting Around:
Easy! They provide Airport transfer, Bicycle parking, **Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-
Escape to Vosges Paradise: Chalet with Stunning Terrace!
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this isn't your grandma's perfectly polished travel itinerary. This is a hot mess express, a glorious train wreck, a… well, you get the idea. This is MY trip to an awesome apartment in Noord-Holland, with a side of Bergen, Netherlands. Let's do this.
Day 1: Arrival and Apartment Ineptitude (Mostly Mine)
- 9:00 AM: Wake up in my actual bed, the sheer terror of flying still a distant but lurking threat. Coffee, strong enough to curdle a dragon's breath. Gotta prep for the airport madness. Seriously, I'm convinced airports are designed to induce maximum stress.
- 11:00 AM: Head to Schiphol airport. Let's just say the journey involved me nearly losing my passport (panic! sweaty palms! dramatic internal monologue!), forgetting my phone in an Uber (thank GOD for AirTags!), and questioning every single life choice I've ever made.
- 3:00 PM (ish): Finally, FINALLY, manage to stumble out of the airport, blinking like a mole into the Dutch sunlight. Breathe. I'm in Amsterdam. Victory!
- 3:30 PM: Pickup rental car. It's not a tiny car. It's a MINI. (Pun intended).
- 4:30 PM - 6:30 PM: Drive to the apartment!! Navigation. More panic. Google Maps is convinced I should take a scenic tour of the backroads. Seriously? I’m pretty sure I saw a sheep give me a look that said “Are you sure you’re supposed to be here?” Eventually, after a few U-turns and one near-miss with a cyclist (sorry, Dutchies!), I find the place.
- 6:30 PM - 8:00 PM: Apartment Unpacking Debacle: The apartment is amazing. Seriously, photos don't do it justice. It's all exposed beams, a fireplace, and enough space to, like, actually breathe. Then, I realized I forgot the adapter for my phone charger. And the coffee. And… well, let's just say my suitcase is a testament to my packing skills. Or lack thereof.
- 8:00 PM: Dinner at a nearby restaurant (after finding the restaurant and discovering the language barrier is real. I mean, I tried my best with the Dutch phrases I’d painstakingly learned, but mostly just ended up looking like a confused puppy. The food was delicious, though. Always trust the food.)
Day 2: Bergen Bound! (And Unexpected Disasters)
- 8:00 AM: Wake up feeling like a slightly less stressed mole. Coffee! Thank GOD I finally figured out the Nespresso machine (it took me longer than I care to admit).
- 9:00 AM - 10:30 AM: Drive to Bergen aan Zee. The scenery is gorgeous! Fields of flowers, windmills… it's like a postcard come to life. Feeling smug. "Look at me, experiencing culture!"
- 10:30 AM - 12:30 PM: Bergen aan Zee Beach Stroll: Walk along the beach, feeling the sand between my toes. The North Sea is… bracing. Actually, freezing. But beautiful! Picturesque. I try to look effortlessly cool while battling the wind. (Spoiler alert: I do not succeed).
- 12:30 PM - 1:30 PM: Lunch at a beachside cafe. Fish and chips! It’s a thing. The seagulls decide my chips are also a thing. (A thing they want, apparently). Commence a desperate, highly undignified chip-defense strategy. I lose. The seagulls win. They are truly relentless.
- 1:30 PM - 2:30 PM: Wandering around Bergen. Cute little shops, art galleries… I'm starting to love this place. I buy a ridiculously overpriced, but undeniably cute, ceramic gnome. Judge me. I dare you.
- 2:30 PM-4:00 PM: The Big Mistake. The Museum Kranenburgh. Sounds delightful! Pictures promise art and culture. The reality? Well, let’s just say I mistook a particularly avant-garde sculpture for a pile of… stuff. And may or may not have muttered something about “the emperor’s new pile of…stuff." Oops? Let's just pretend it didn't happen.
- 4:30 PM - 6:00 PM: Find a cozy cafe. Coffee. Wine. Regrouping. Trying to erase the visual of the "pile of stuff" .
- 7:00 PM: The Great Pancake Incident: I’m at my apartment after the museum, and decide to embrace cultural immersion and make Dutch pancakes. I find a recipe online. I gather ingredients. It's all going…okayish. Until the smoke alarm starts screaming. Turns out, I'm apparently incapable of flipping a pancake without causing a mini-disaster. The fire alarm is now my arch-nemesis. Order pizza.
Day 3: Bikes, Windmills, and Potential Meltdown
- 8:00 AM: Coffee fueled. I may need to re-evaluate my caffeine intake.
- 9:00 AM: Bike rental. I embrace the “Dutch thing” and rent a bike. I’m feeling confident! Until I almost immediately fall off. Twice. On a flat, empty path. My dignity is quickly disappearing.
- 9:30 AM - 11:00 AM: Bike ride through the countryside. Eventually, I get the hang of it. The wind is a constant struggle, but the scenery is worth it. Passing windmills, I imagine myself a Dutch farmer, but the image quickly dissolves into me, hopelessly lost and sweating.
- 11:30 AM - 1:00 PM: Windmill Visit: Explore a windmill. Learn about its history. It's fascinating! I even pretend to understand the mechanics, but I’m mostly admiring the architecture.
- 1:30 PM: Lunch in a charming village. Soup and a sandwich. The soup is delicious. The village is adorable. Feeling slightly less like a clumsy idiot.
- 2:30 PM - 4:00 PM: "The Great Tulip Field Hunt": It's tulip season! I HAVE to see the tulip fields. Google Maps directs me down increasingly narrow roads. The roads get smaller, and, let's just say, I have a moment of near-panic in the middle of nowhere. I was sure I'd end up in a ditch! I end up seeing some tulips, but mostly I see fields of… other crops. (Maybe I missed the memo about peak tulip season?).
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Apartment Re-set. After my little panic while driving, I come back to the apartment in a state of disarray, cleaning up, relaxing.
- 7:00 PM: Dinner and wine at a local restaurant. Feeling slightly less stressed.
Day 4: Departure & Existential Dread
- 8:00 AM: Last coffee. Savor it. This trip is ending.
- 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM: Pack. Or, attempt to pack. Realize I’ve bought way too much "stuff" and now have to figure out how to squeeze it all into my suitcase.
- 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Final apartment checks. Make sure I haven't left anything truly disastrous behind (like, you know, a flaming pancake).
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Drive back to Schiphol. The same airport that nearly broke me, the first day.
- 1:00 PM - 3:00 PM: Airport Hell: The dreaded airport security line. Existential dread sets in. I'm going home. Back to real life.
- 3:00 PM: Flight. Look out the window, a final glimpse of the Dutch landscape. I’m tired. I feel like I lived a year in these last few days.
- 7:00 PM: Back home. Unpack, re-enter normal life. Already planning my return.
Yes. It was messy. It was imperfect. It was, at times, a spectacular failure. But it was my trip. And despite the near-disasters, the questionable decisions, and the seagulls mocking me, it was… unforgettable. And I wouldn't trade it for a perfectly curated Instagram feed for anything.
Escape to Paradise: Cozy Chalet Awaits in the Netherlands!
So, what *is* this whole thing, anyway? Like, what even *is* it about?
Alright, alright, good question. Honestly? I’m not entirely sure. It's a collection of… *gestures vaguely*… my life, my observations, my opinions, and the occasional cat hair clinging to my sweater. Think of it as a slightly unhinged scrapbook, but instead of pressed flowers (I kill all plants, FYI), it's filled with awkward encounters and existential crises. It's probably about… me. Duh. And maybe you, if you're feeling the same brand of delightful chaos.
Why did you start *this*? There are a LOT of other things to do...
Well, that’s a fair point. Therapy? A hobby? Actually cleaning my apartment? All viable options. But let's be honest, I'm the kind of person who avoids all of those things. Okay, I *tried* therapy once. The lady kept asking about my "childhood trauma" and I was like, "Lady, I have enough *current* trauma to deal with!" So, here we are. It's a form of… self-expression? Maybe a cry for help? Hard to say.
What's the *point*? Like, seriously. What's the end goal?
The point, you say? Ah, the million-dollar question! Honestly? I haven't the foggiest. To connect with someone? Maybe. To exorcise some demons (though I suspect that might need a professional)? Possibly. Mostly, it's just for me. A way to process the absolute *weirdness* of existing. If you get something out of it, consider it a bonus. If you don't? Well, more for me, I guess. You're welcome to skip the parts you don't like. No pressure.
Are you *seriously* going to talk about *everything*?
Oh, honey, the short answer is yes. The long answer? Also yes, probably. Look, I'm not saying I'm going to spill every single detail of my life. I'm not *crazy*. Just… mildly uninhibited. Let's just say there will be stories. Some embarrassing. Some hilarious (to me, at least). Some that will make you question my sanity. I'm aiming for the full spectrum of human experience, from the sublime to the utterly ridiculous.
Is this going to be all doom and gloom? Because I'm not really into that.
Okay, fair warning: I am *prone* to overthinking. And sometimes, things hit hard. But I'm also a firm believer in dark humor to help you through it. So, it won’t *all* be sunshine and rainbows, but I promise to pepper it with the kind of self-deprecating humor that makes me laugh at my own misery. There will be moments of pure, unadulterated joy too, I swear. When the coffee is perfect and the cat lets you pet it for more than 3 seconds.
Speaking of cats... there's a cat, isn't there?
Oh. Absolutely. Yes. Meet (or don't, she's incredibly judgmental) Princess Fluffernut, the queen of my chaotic existence. She rules the roost. She's a fluffy ball of disdain, a four-legged furry tyrant, and the absolute love of my life. She will feature *heavily* You'll hear all about her whims, her demands, and her uncanny ability to know when I'm finally trying to relax. Don't worry, I'll include pictures. Probably.
What's the *worst* thing that's ever happened to you? (If you can even narrow it down...)
Okay, *that's* a loaded question. Worst thing? Hmm. Honestly, it's less about a single event and more about a confluence of things. Like the time I accidentally set my kitchen on fire while attempting to cook toast (seriously, how?), or the time I wore mismatched shoes to a formal event (mortifying!), or that one-time Princess Fluffernut... well, let's just say the cat *always* wins.
What *IS* that smell? From somewhere in your "About Me" section...
Ah, yes. The mystery aroma. Well, it's... complex. A blend of slightly burnt coffee beans, old books, and a hint of "what *is* that growing in the back of the fridge?" It's the scent of… me, in a nutshell. Perfectly imperfect, often messy, and occasionally capable of producing something truly delightful.
Do you have any actual *skills*? Or are you just winging it?
Skills? Hmm. I can make a mean cup of coffee (when the machine cooperates). I can decipher cat language (mostly). I'm a master of procrastination. And I'm *excellent* at overthinking. So, yeah, I'm mostly winging it. But hey, isn't everyone? We're all just wandering through life, hoping we don't mess it up *too* badly.
What are you *afraid* of?
Ah, the big one. I'm afraid of... a lot! Public speaking (shudders). Heights (nope!). Spiders (evil little things). But mostly? I'm afraid of regret. Of looking back and thinking, "I should have tried that, said that, done that." So, I'm trying to push myself, even when I don't want to. Even when I'm terrified. Because, honestly? What's the point of *not* being afraid? Life's too short to hide from the things that scare you.
What if you run out of things to say?
Oh honey, not a chance! My brain never shuts offBook Hotels Now
